Monthly Archives: July 2014

His Meditations: Clearing the Debris.

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Tuesday July 29, 2014
8:40 a.m.
Duration: 10 minutes
Location:  Backyard patio chair

A lot of thoughts were circling in my head this morning.  It felt good to stretch out my hips.  This anterior pelvic issue is going to be solved so I can have flat lower abs.   As I breathe in I think about Facebook. “Priya was real calm and content this morning before work,” I said to myself.  It was real nice to see.  She had a peace about her that was impossible to ignore.

I had other thoughts this morning but I can’t recall what they are anymore.   If there is one thing I’ve noticed about meditating it’s that I look forward to doing it.   Meditating helps with focus, inner awareness, making sense of swirling thoughts in my head (clearing the debris), trimming the fat of thoughts and getting to the heart of them, then in turn making  decisions easier.   I really like that about this practice.

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Her Meditations: Orange.

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Sunday, June 20, 2014
11:21 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Patio, on the chairs.

Nick sets the timer and I close my eyes.  I see the red haze behind my eyelids, and a few floaters.  I’m snuggling into my coat…the breeze is cool and giving me goosebumps.  I’m facing southeast.  I raise my face and see the haze turn into orange and then a golden yellow as my head lifts higher towards the sun.  I adjust my head’s tilt until I achieve the perfect orange glow.

And now, against that perfect orange, I see Ganesh.  The floaters have arranged themselves into Ganesh.  I see him, just his eyes and the line of his trunk, as though he is sitting inches from my face.  He brings me peace as he sits there.  I watch him, expecting the floaters to rearrange themselves as they frequently do, but they stay, and he stays.  I say, “Ganesha.”  And I think of Thatha.  And I think of him praying to Ganesh every morning, and his is the name he invokes when he’s in pain, or getting up, or praying… I search for the phrasing he would use…and I can’t think of it.  Ganesha, Venkateshwara, Ganappati, what was the phrase he used?  I need to know it.  I will ask Mummy when I am done meditating.

Ganesha.  You have come to me when I look for peace.  You were my Thatha’s favorite god.  You are mine as well.  I haven’t thought of you very much lately.  And I’m not sure why, since you are the bringer of peace, the remover of obstacles.

You change in the orange haze.  Your right eye gets closer, your trunk shifts as though you are moving it, you blink.  I hear the wind chimes in breeze, I hear the mourning doves, I hear the breeze in the trees.  You stay, you move.

I see you.

His Meditations: Luxury of Time.

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Thursday July 17, 2014
8:58 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Backyard on the patio chair

It’s 8:58 a.m., I’m getting started a little later this morning than I normally do.   Inside the house on the floor sitting on a pillow against the wall doesn’t feel like a good spot to do meditation, I opt to go outside in the backyard and sit on an outside chair.   “The breeze feels nice this morning,” I say.

I start breathing deeply and into my meditation to go.  Unlike yesterday, there’s a lot going on this morning.   Everyday truly is different.   “I did this exercise yesterday with Marquis where I put my leg on the medicine ball and pushed it back and forth with my leg,”  she says.  I chuckle to myself and she hears a tinge of negativity in my voice.   She asks, “Why did you just snicker when I told you that?”   I say, “I wasn’t snickering at you, I was happy for you.”   She says, “Oh,” smiles, and then goes back to her nails.  At that moment I didn’t realize it, but my ego got involved with that comment.  Instead of being happy for her I was on my high horse as a been-there-done-that, I can do that easily without the ball kind of attitude.  I was happy for her progress and I love seeing her excited about it to the point where she can see and feel it.   The ego was subtle, but wove its way into our interaction.  It made the interaction multi-layered.  I’m glad I had the time to meditate, which brought to light what had initially escaped me.

Still breathing my thought fades from the comments in the bathroom to my old job at Sellands.   “This is surprising,” I say, “It feels like forever ago that I quit this job.”  In actuality it wasn’t, its only been a month in a half.   I dig deeper and start to think about my old boss.   He was such a dick at times.   Surprisingly I don’t think about him or the place in a negative fashion.  I approach the subject with an understanding eye.  I see my bitterness while I work.  I see myself walking on the work side by the counter of pastries near the register.   The bitterness and disdain I had for the place is gone.  As I look on the subject I feel like I’m in the present moment watching a film clip of who I was in the past.  A past that wasn’t too long ago either.

Right now I have time to reflect as my work schedule hasn’t filled up with clients as of yet.  The saying goes that “time heals.”  Well, I would say in this case it has.   The thoughts of Sellands were surprising, I didn’t expect them.

Her Meditations: Overwhelmed.

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Wednesday, July 16, 2014
8:50 a.m.
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: On ottoman, feet on floor, hands clasped in front.  Nick on floor, no pillow.

My brain is going a mile a minute.  I can’t gather my thoughts to focus at all.  I am overwhelmed.  I try to breathe, to focus on breathing, and then I am captured by the thoughts.  It is like wrestling with a wild animal, trying to take back control.

I hear the neighbor’s air conditioner humming in the background.  I try to focus on that, but thoughts of money, and tasks, and conversations are fighting for control in my head.
Anjali’s party is coming up.  I have to get her mirror and dresser knobs, and pay for half the party, order the cake.
I have to pay $1000 for classes within the month.
$400 to Terrie for the website.
$700 to Ryann for childcare.
$350 to Perry for repair and paint on the car.
School supplies.
New clothes for Nik, since he’s outgrown everything he has.
The trip to the coast.
Clearing out the garage.
Clearing out the kids’ supply cabinets in the kitchen.
The response email to the school regarding my concerns with Nik’s IEP.
Nick’s desire to get closer and create shared goals.
His stated goal of buying a house together in a couple years.

I am overwhelmed.  I am scared.  I am overwhelmed.

I can’t breathe.

A ding from my phone.  My kids are texting me.

I move slightly.

The chimes go off.

I open my eyes to see Nick looking at me.

 

 

His Meditations: Moments.

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Wednesday, July 16, 2014
8:50 a.m.
Duration: ten minutes
Location: On floor, no pillow.  Priya on ottoman.

“I’m going to sit here and watch my lady for a second,” I say to myself.  Her eyes are closed and she’s getting into it, but she looks frustrated and tired today.   I close my eyes and the silhouette image of her body is burned into my mind at first.  I stare at it until it leaves and then nothing.   There is just the sound of my breath….. and the refrigerator.   My mind stays dark for a little bit with nothing entering or leaving it.  There’s no rush though on making sure I have some sort of revelation or great insight.  Things come and go out of my mind as they please.  Images start to enter and I remember our conversation this morning about goals.  How do I plan to achieve them was one of the questions asked.  My mind replays that scene quickly and then moves on.  Moves on to nothing in particular just my breathing again.  The cell phone makes a ding shortly thereafter.  I’m annoyed because that ding broke my groove for just a minute.   I was in the zone and then I hear this ding.  My annoyance is short and I move on to just blankness in the mind.   I hear the breath and just focus on it.   “This feels like I’m getting ready to go to sleep again,” I say. “My hips are sore again.”   My workouts have been tough and lately anytime I’ve sat in a cross legged position my IT band starts screaming at me right at the joint of my femur and hips.  I’m tired of this soreness and I need to give my body a break.

The ding also also makes me aware of once again just how much a cell phone has infiltrated the many aspects of our lives.   That a phone is so important to some that it needs to be on at all times and involved in every single thing they do.   I love that the phone gives me and others the ability to communicate anywhere, anytime in seconds, but I also think it can create more stress too if not managed well.

Moments were the theme today.  Moments of things going on, moments of darkness, moments of blankness, and moments of reflection on what has been talked about recently.   Nothing profound happened, but everything is as it should be right now.  I am exactly where I need to be right now.

His Meditations: Clearing the Debris

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Tuesday, July 15, 2014
9:32 a.m.
Duration: ten minutes
Location: Home, on floor on pillow, against the wall.  Alone.

Today was quick.  I liked this meditation.  I thought about my friend Ian, Perry’s Autobody Shop appointment I told my baby I would set up when I talked to her yesterday.  I thought, “I want to get on this right away so it can be over and done with.”  It was just very matter of fact.  Things  on my mind that needed to get done right away.

I did have a realization during my meditation and that was when I take the time to be quiet with my mind, I start to remember all of the little things that happened either yesterday, this morning, a week ago, or even months ago.  My memory gets clouded with a lot of things that I put in it through my readings, watching TV, listening to co-workers, my girlfriend, signs on the side of the road, and exposure to various things throughout the day.   It’s not that I forget things, it’s that my mind gets clouded.  And it’s by meditating I help clear my mind of the debris floating around in it to get to the essence of what needs to be done that day.   The essence of the direction I need to go with regard to the core of my being.   It’s hard to do that when debris is clouding the mind.

His Meditations: Get in Touch

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Monday, July 14, 2014
9:07 a.m.
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: Home, on pillow on the floor, against the wall.  By myself.

I sink in slowly.  My hips are sore from sitting in the cross legged position.  I need to stretch out today, I say in my head.  I am tight and I wonder why.   (After the meditation I realize its because of my run from yesterday).   I say to myself, GOD come closer to me.  I want you closer.   I repeat this in my head several times as I do my best to focus on just the breathing.   Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.   I definitely want that deep nourishment from this session today and am looking for it.   That satisfying fulfillment on a spiritual level.   The level that only I and my creator can give to me through my efforts of getting in touch and his/her efforts through receiving my call and then returning the favor.   The favor being the guidance needed to live my life the best way possible and to live according to what I was meant to do with the gifts I’ve been given. “I want to read Mind of God,”  I say.   These aren’t my thoughts though, so I’ll read it afterwards so I won’t confuse them with my own.  I want to get in touch with mine first before I become clouded with the thoughts and opinions of another.

My baby and I are coming together as one.   We have broken each other down to the core and I feel at this point we are starting to grow together from the same spot.  Our experiences together are just ours.

His Meditations: Being Present.

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Wednesday, July 9, 2014
6:34 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Gym hardwood floor, against mirror in the group classroom

Today’s session was present.   At one point I felt a wave ooze over the top of my brain as I sank deeper into the meditation.  As this happened, it felt as though a hand was sifting through the middle of my hair, parting it for me.   I heard the noises of the people doing their exercises next to me.  The sound of a machine weight slamming down as someone releases the cable quickly exhausted from fatigue; at least that’s what I suspect.  “Man, that weight slamming down was loud, it startled me,” I thought to myself.  The people doing exercises in the same room as me feel like they’re right up on me.  They aren’t, but I can’t help noticing my ear sensitivity picking up every little sound as I do my meditation longer.

One thing I notice about my meditations is how present I become.   As I work through my thoughts that could be a mix of what happened yesterday or what I currently listened to on the radio that morning before I started meditating, they start to dissipate.   I don’t know where they go, it’s as if they dissipate into thin air.   It’s as if whatever worries I had going on the day before or that morning are worked through and I’m now completely present to deal with what’s in front of me from that session on.  It’s interesting.

His Poetry: She

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When you speak I listen
I want you near me
When I hold you it’s as if I’m on top of the world
When I touch you I love your delicate skin
When I kiss your lips they taste so sweet
When you laugh I love to hear it
When you smile….. ahhhh, how sweet it is
I can’t take my mind off of you
If I haven’t spoken to you for hours it feels like days
You’re the one I cherish
The one I love
I love you

His Meditations: Sadness.

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Tuesday, July 8, 2014
10:38 p.m.
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: On pillow, on floor.

Today’s session was sad.  Not at first, but towards the end.  Feelings of sadness for the way others have tried to help me and I haven’t let them.  My dad for not letting him help me out for my personal training business. And for not taking the time to ask more clarifying questions as to what he gets out of helping me.  Why does he want to so badly?  For not giving Priya the tools necessary to help me out more when she wanted to.  For not acknowledging every time she helped.   I hurt my baby and I hate it when I do this.  This seems to be a reccurring theme and how many times can hurt be done before it can no longer be undone?

A few days ago a thought crossed my mind about these journal writings.   They served their purpose for quite sometime, but all of a sudden they seem martyr like.  That if I write them and don’t share them then what’s the point.   These personal writings are my innermost thoughts and these thoughts I want to share.  I want to share them with my baby.  I want her to know that I’m scared at just how much she really means to me.   That today when I looked around, things didn’t seem right.  It felt like forever today when I didn’t speak to her and it was only three o’clock.   I still had the whole day ahead of me.   I want her to be near me.