Haiku: Heart shaped bruises

Cheeks are glistening
Memories of life, loves…gone
Leave heart shaped bruises

His Meditations: Traveling Thoughts

Wednesday, August 6, 2014
8:45 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Living room floor on a pillow cross legged, perpendicular to my lady

A few things happened during my meditation today.  One being that I saw where my self-deception or getting in my own way if you will, was happening on a regular basis.  Instead of taking action on something I would think about it and then give myself the impression I did something about what was on my mind when in actuality I didn’t.  It’s very sly on my part to engage in this kind of self-sabotage.

Give my baby the wisdom to understand and get through this anger she feels towards M at work.   Give her the strength to work through it and if there is a lesson, let the lesson be learned; then let the situation be put behind her forever;”   I prayed.   I sat on that thought for what seemed like awhile, but I never know just how much time a while is during meditation.  I get caught up in the moment and I’m just there experiencing the meditation.

I say to myself, “A sandwich from Sellands sounds good.  Maybe I’ll get one for lunch today.  Yeah, that sounds good. That thought was something that started a couple of days ago and still just hangs out in the background.   It then expanded into: “Or better yet, Priya and I can go have a dinner for two.  We never did that when I was working there.”

As a quick roundup and not to minimize what had happened during this session by phrasing my summary the way I did, I touched on a lesson, the present, and the future all in one sitting.   The lesson being one that is applicable right away in that instead of constantly thinking about doing something just do it.  This really isn’t so much a lesson as much as its a reminder that self-sabotage can come in many different forms.  It’ll find ways to keep you from being your best.   I partly attribute this to lack of focus.   My focus needs to be even better than it is.  The focus will make it harder for the self-sabotage to creep in because I’ll be more organized.  Less brain clutter means less places for self-sabotage to snoop around and hide amongst it all.

The present being my baby having a hard time at work.  She’s frustrated and I want to see her get through this quickly.  Anger unfortunately has its own time of deciding when to leave depending on just how deep that level of anger is, but hopefully this prayer will help her and she can move on.   And lastly the future, the future in a few hours, but nonetheless the future.   A Sellands sandwich sounds good.  Particularly the Tuna sandwich toasted. Mmmmmmm.

His Meditations: Clearing the Debris.

Tuesday July 29, 2014
8:40 a.m.
Duration: 10 minutes
Location:  Backyard patio chair

A lot of thoughts were circling in my head this morning.  It felt good to stretch out my hips.  This anterior pelvic issue is going to be solved so I can have flat lower abs.   As I breathe in I think about Facebook. “Priya was real calm and content this morning before work,” I said to myself.  It was real nice to see.  She had a peace about her that was impossible to ignore.

I had other thoughts this morning but I can’t recall what they are anymore.   If there is one thing I’ve noticed about meditating it’s that I look forward to doing it.   Meditating helps with focus, inner awareness, making sense of swirling thoughts in my head (clearing the debris), trimming the fat of thoughts and getting to the heart of them, then in turn making  decisions easier.   I really like that about this practice.

Her Meditations: Orange.

Sunday, June 20, 2014
11:21 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Patio, on the chairs.

Nick sets the timer and I close my eyes.  I see the red haze behind my eyelids, and a few floaters.  I’m snuggling into my coat…the breeze is cool and giving me goosebumps.  I’m facing southeast.  I raise my face and see the haze turn into orange and then a golden yellow as my head lifts higher towards the sun.  I adjust my head’s tilt until I achieve the perfect orange glow.

And now, against that perfect orange, I see Ganesh.  The floaters have arranged themselves into Ganesh.  I see him, just his eyes and the line of his trunk, as though he is sitting inches from my face.  He brings me peace as he sits there.  I watch him, expecting the floaters to rearrange themselves as they frequently do, but they stay, and he stays.  I say, “Ganesha.”  And I think of Thatha.  And I think of him praying to Ganesh every morning, and his is the name he invokes when he’s in pain, or getting up, or praying… I search for the phrasing he would use…and I can’t think of it.  Ganesha, Venkateshwara, Ganappati, what was the phrase he used?  I need to know it.  I will ask Mummy when I am done meditating.

Ganesha.  You have come to me when I look for peace.  You were my Thatha’s favorite god.  You are mine as well.  I haven’t thought of you very much lately.  And I’m not sure why, since you are the bringer of peace, the remover of obstacles.

You change in the orange haze.  Your right eye gets closer, your trunk shifts as though you are moving it, you blink.  I hear the wind chimes in breeze, I hear the mourning doves, I hear the breeze in the trees.  You stay, you move.

I see you.

His Meditations: Luxury of Time.

Thursday July 17, 2014
8:58 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Backyard on the patio chair

It’s 8:58 a.m., I’m getting started a little later this morning than I normally do.   Inside the house on the floor sitting on a pillow against the wall doesn’t feel like a good spot to do meditation, I opt to go outside in the backyard and sit on an outside chair.   “The breeze feels nice this morning,” I say.

I start breathing deeply and into my meditation to go.  Unlike yesterday, there’s a lot going on this morning.   Everyday truly is different.   “I did this exercise yesterday with Marquis where I put my leg on the medicine ball and pushed it back and forth with my leg,”  she says.  I chuckle to myself and she hears a tinge of negativity in my voice.   She asks, “Why did you just snicker when I told you that?”   I say, “I wasn’t snickering at you, I was happy for you.”   She says, “Oh,” smiles, and then goes back to her nails.  At that moment I didn’t realize it, but my ego got involved with that comment.  Instead of being happy for her I was on my high horse as a been-there-done-that, I can do that easily without the ball kind of attitude.  I was happy for her progress and I love seeing her excited about it to the point where she can see and feel it.   The ego was subtle, but wove its way into our interaction.  It made the interaction multi-layered.  I’m glad I had the time to meditate, which brought to light what had initially escaped me.

Still breathing my thought fades from the comments in the bathroom to my old job at Sellands.   “This is surprising,” I say, “It feels like forever ago that I quit this job.”  In actuality it wasn’t, its only been a month in a half.   I dig deeper and start to think about my old boss.   He was such a dick at times.   Surprisingly I don’t think about him or the place in a negative fashion.  I approach the subject with an understanding eye.  I see my bitterness while I work.  I see myself walking on the work side by the counter of pastries near the register.   The bitterness and disdain I had for the place is gone.  As I look on the subject I feel like I’m in the present moment watching a film clip of who I was in the past.  A past that wasn’t too long ago either.

Right now I have time to reflect as my work schedule hasn’t filled up with clients as of yet.  The saying goes that “time heals.”  Well, I would say in this case it has.   The thoughts of Sellands were surprising, I didn’t expect them.

Her Meditations: Overwhelmed.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014
8:50 a.m.
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: On ottoman, feet on floor, hands clasped in front.  Nick on floor, no pillow.

My brain is going a mile a minute.  I can’t gather my thoughts to focus at all.  I am overwhelmed.  I try to breathe, to focus on breathing, and then I am captured by the thoughts.  It is like wrestling with a wild animal, trying to take back control.

I hear the neighbor’s air conditioner humming in the background.  I try to focus on that, but thoughts of money, and tasks, and conversations are fighting for control in my head.
Anjali’s party is coming up.  I have to get her mirror and dresser knobs, and pay for half the party, order the cake.
I have to pay $1000 for classes within the month.
$400 to Terrie for the website.
$700 to Ryann for childcare.
$350 to Perry for repair and paint on the car.
School supplies.
New clothes for Nik, since he’s outgrown everything he has.
The trip to the coast.
Clearing out the garage.
Clearing out the kids’ supply cabinets in the kitchen.
The response email to the school regarding my concerns with Nik’s IEP.
Nick’s desire to get closer and create shared goals.
His stated goal of buying a house together in a couple years.

I am overwhelmed.  I am scared.  I am overwhelmed.

I can’t breathe.

A ding from my phone.  My kids are texting me.

I move slightly.

The chimes go off.

I open my eyes to see Nick looking at me.

 

 

His Meditations: Moments.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014
8:50 a.m.
Duration: ten minutes
Location: On floor, no pillow.  Priya on ottoman.

“I’m going to sit here and watch my lady for a second,” I say to myself.  Her eyes are closed and she’s getting into it, but she looks frustrated and tired today.   I close my eyes and the silhouette image of her body is burned into my mind at first.  I stare at it until it leaves and then nothing.   There is just the sound of my breath….. and the refrigerator.   My mind stays dark for a little bit with nothing entering or leaving it.  There’s no rush though on making sure I have some sort of revelation or great insight.  Things come and go out of my mind as they please.  Images start to enter and I remember our conversation this morning about goals.  How do I plan to achieve them was one of the questions asked.  My mind replays that scene quickly and then moves on.  Moves on to nothing in particular just my breathing again.  The cell phone makes a ding shortly thereafter.  I’m annoyed because that ding broke my groove for just a minute.   I was in the zone and then I hear this ding.  My annoyance is short and I move on to just blankness in the mind.   I hear the breath and just focus on it.   “This feels like I’m getting ready to go to sleep again,” I say. “My hips are sore again.”   My workouts have been tough and lately anytime I’ve sat in a cross legged position my IT band starts screaming at me right at the joint of my femur and hips.  I’m tired of this soreness and I need to give my body a break.

The ding also also makes me aware of once again just how much a cell phone has infiltrated the many aspects of our lives.   That a phone is so important to some that it needs to be on at all times and involved in every single thing they do.   I love that the phone gives me and others the ability to communicate anywhere, anytime in seconds, but I also think it can create more stress too if not managed well.

Moments were the theme today.  Moments of things going on, moments of darkness, moments of blankness, and moments of reflection on what has been talked about recently.   Nothing profound happened, but everything is as it should be right now.  I am exactly where I need to be right now.