His Poetry: She

When you speak I listen
I want you near me
When I hold you it’s as if I’m on top of the world
When I touch you I love your delicate skin
When I kiss your lips they taste so sweet
When you laugh I love to hear it
When you smile….. ahhhh, how sweet it is
I can’t take my mind off of you
If I haven’t spoken to you for hours it feels like days
You’re the one I cherish
The one I love
I love you


His Meditations: Sadness.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014
10:38 p.m.
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: On pillow, on floor.

Today’s session was sad.  Not at first, but towards the end.  Feelings of sadness for the way others have tried to help me and I haven’t let them.  My dad for not letting him help me out for my personal training business. And for not taking the time to ask more clarifying questions as to what he gets out of helping me.  Why does he want to so badly?  For not giving Priya the tools necessary to help me out more when she wanted to.  For not acknowledging every time she helped.   I hurt my baby and I hate it when I do this.  This seems to be a reccurring theme and how many times can hurt be done before it can no longer be undone?

A few days ago a thought crossed my mind about these journal writings.   They served their purpose for quite sometime, but all of a sudden they seem martyr like.  That if I write them and don’t share them then what’s the point.   These personal writings are my innermost thoughts and these thoughts I want to share.  I want to share them with my baby.  I want her to know that I’m scared at just how much she really means to me.   That today when I looked around, things didn’t seem right.  It felt like forever today when I didn’t speak to her and it was only three o’clock.   I still had the whole day ahead of me.   I want her to be near me.


His Meditations: Lists

Tuesday, July 2, 2014
10:03 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes

Today’s meditation didn’t feel like it went that deep.  It was fast though.  Initially in the beginning it felt slow and I opened my eyes due to boredom.  But then I closed them again and started to focus on my breath and before I knew it the Chimes alarm was going off.  I asked myself what tape was playing in the background that I wasn’t aware of.  I always like to be aware of this because it helps me in my decision making.  By bringing this information to the forefront of my mind I can actively make decisions on it.  One thing that came to mind was my girlfriend’s priority list.  This list is important for her to create and she keeps avoiding it like the plague.   It bothers me.   I realized that today because of my meditation.  I also asked to get closer to GOD but that thought quickly faded after I initiated it.

His Meditations: Pushing Through.

Friday, June 27, 2014
1:45 p.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: shopping plaza parking lot curb, under tree

Today’s meditation was tough.  I couldn’t focus because I was distracted.   Distracted by the fitness orientation I needed to set up with my aunt on either Monday or Tuesday.  I wanted to get closer to GOD too.  I said a prayer for him to come closer and for Priya and I to find peace not only within ourselves, but with each other.  Not in a way that says we live in turmoil on a regular basis, but in a way to work ourselves through the emotional strife of the moment into a place of serenity. I needed to get in touch with him so I could better be in tune with myself as well.

In a way I felt like today’s session wasn’t about getting in tune with myself though because I was already very aware of what I needed to do to move forward and how to go about it.   My focus was there and I needed to start re-reading my NASM book to gain a deeper understanding on the body.  I’m forgetting details and I can see it during my fitness orientations.  My clients don’t notice, but I do and that little detail can be the difference between a sale and no sale.

I think today’s session was more about pushing through when I find ways to not do something by doing things less important than what’s on the top of my priority list.   The fifteen minutes was long and I even opened my eyes frustrated 7 minutes into it.  Frustrated that I wasn’t delving deep enough in such a quick fashion like I had been doing over the last week.   Today was different.  It was hard for the first time.  My patience had warn thin.   I had things to do and I didn’t want to take the time for it.   I think holding to this even when I didn’t want to was an action that helped me improve on my follow through.  This in and of itself is a victory.

His Meditations: Guard your Mind.

Thursday, June 26, 2014
9:35 a.m.
Duration: 20 minutes

I love how these meditations get me focused.  I have so much energy on a regular basis and I do need to get better at focusing it.   Not letting the energy dissipate into every which direction, but to harness it in such a way where I can artfully direct it towards achieving my goals.

Today I really wanted to get in touch with my being.  One of the thoughts I had in my mind was that I wanted to “Find God.”  I know that he’s real and I have felt his presence before, but as I was going through my mind images would pop up and I would want to go behind the curtain and see what was behind that thought.   As I delved deeper I saw the images of the things I had exposed myself too this morning; Joe Montana interview where he was talking to NFL access about when he retired and other things.  I remembered Tony Robbin’s saying from a video that his mentor Jim Rohn told him, “Guard your mind.”   And as this thought crossed my head I saw everything that I saw on the computer this morning and how the images were just floating around in my mind.  I saw how the article from getrichslowly.org that I read this morning on the scarcity mindset was influencing my thought on thinking long term.   It addresses complexities no doubt, but it was such a simply written article that I enjoyed reading.   It got me thinking how easily my mind absorbs things.   It’s amazing how quickly I can do it.   I don’t expect images to capture my mind so quickly and constantly float around the way they do.

I’ve been listening a lot to Tony Robbins lately because its very applicable to what I do.   In helping others clean up there habits I undoubtedly have started to look at mine.  I’ve been seeing areas that I lack in follow through.  I’ve also been able to see where my strengths are.

His Meditations: Physicality of the Mind

Wednesday, June 25, 2014
8:52 a.m. to 9:02 a.m., and 9:14 a.m. to 9:25 a.m.
Duration: 21 minutes

Is it possible that the mind transfers thoughts back and forth unconsciously?  Can I be so sensitive to someone else’s needs or insecurities that I pick them up without even realizing it?   This is the thought that came to mind this morning as I was meditating and realizing that a lot that was operating inside of me was Priya’s jealousy episode this morning.  I had thoughts of my own this morning, but what she said was definitely on my mind.    I wanted to push through those thoughts and get in touch with my own, but it wasn’t happening that easily.   The thoughts of what we had spoken about this morning floated along in my head like a cloud in the sky.  Which bring me to another question, “Are thoughts actual physical manifestations?”   Is there a physicalness to them or is my imagination simply just something that I can see but not touch?  It’s tough to say.   The mind can be such a tricky thing.   I wanted to do my meditation longer than the ten minutes I did it this morning.  I felt like I was really just getting into it.

I meditated for another 10 minutes and loved it.  I was getting more in tune with myself and sifting through the thoughts of what I need to do today.   I was thinking about Brianne waving to me when I was working out with a prospective new client.   I was thinking about my prospective client saying no she couldn’t afford training right now due to financial constraints.  I remember her sitting there looking at the screen debating how to pay for the training and then me just sitting there in silence waiting for her to make a decision.   I remember Tony and I sitting down talking at the desk and seeing him take a drink of water from his huge crystal geyser plastic container.   I remember thinking, “That thing is massive.”  It was a good session today and I’m looking forward to the next one.   It feels like every time I’ve done some meditation since Sunday the 15th, I’ve taken something from it.   Becoming more aware is what I took from today.  I’m glad to start this ritual.

His Meditations: Movie in my head

Friday, June 20, 2014
8:05 a.m
Duration: 10 minutes
Position: I’m on the floor, on a pillow.  Priya is on the couch.

I sunk into the meditation quickly.  Today happened quicker than any other time this week.   I didn’t want to end today’s session.  I got lost in my thoughts.   The movie that was playing in my head was very interesting.   As I listened to my baby talk today about how Ian and Heather have been entering her thoughts lately, it made me think about how they’re on my thoughts as well.   Was she that in tune with me that my thoughts crossed her mental plane?

Her Meditations: Priorities.

Last night, Nick set the alarm for 6:30a.m.  “So we can make time for meditation before you have to leave for work.”

The alarm goes off this morning and Nick wakes me up.  I tell him to leave me alone, that I am not a morning person, that I can’t just pop up and hit the ground running like he can, that I need to get showered, coffee, etc before I can meditate.  I then go back to sleep.

At 7:18 a.m., I get a series of texts: “Time to get up if you’re going to make time for meditation.”

Then: “:)”

Then a smiley face emoticon.

I snort.  He knows me, he knows I will wake up for the beep of a text more than an alarm.

I slowly get up, and he’s coming into the room with coffee.  I thank him, get ready for the day.  Go downstairs to breakfast made by him, eat, praise his omelette, criticize his toast, look at my final exam sitting on the table, barely started, start thinking back to our hard conversation from last night, look at him, feel depressed, get angry, get annoyed, close off, stop talking.  He notices. I go upstairs, finish getting ready.

He comes upstairs as I’m finishing, and I don’t want him to talk to me.  He comes over, looks at me, tells me I look pretty.  Touches my hair.  I smile and thank him.

He then hugs me, and then says, “Did you leave enough time?  To meditate?”

I reluctantly say, “Yes, sure.”

Day 2
Monday, June 16, 2014
Duration: 15 minutes
Position: Seated lotus style on ottoman, Nick on pillow, floor.

I close my eyes right away.  I hear him fiddling with his phone, setting the alarm.  I remember that I asked him to use the chimes to alert us, not the abrasive alert from yesterday.

I breathe in, out.  I sneak a look at him, he’s got his eyes closed, a slight frown on his face, mouth downturned.

I close my eyes, breathe in, out.

I hear the birds outside, the breeze in the trees, the washing machine kicking in, the drone of a neighboring air-conditioner.  The breeze feels cool, coming in through the open window.

Breathe in, out.

The washing machine is annoying.  Focus on breathing.  I think about Nick.  And our discussion from last night.  He’s so smart, so together in some areas, so vulnerable in others.  I wonder if he’ll ever be successful.

I force myself to focus on breathing in and out.

I think about his hug upstairs and how warm it felt. I think about looking at him rinsing the breakfast dishes in the sink, and the feeling of love that came over me while I watched him.  Why am I still with him?  What is it about him that draws me in, keeps me with him?  His cousin is surprised I’m still with him.  Why?

Breathe in, out.

My final exam.  I need the sheet on accounting for pensions.  I can’t find it anywhere.  I’ll have to ask the instructor.

My exam.  I’ll be too tired after dinner with Marina tonight to work on the exam.  There’s too much to do.

Breathe in, out.

I don’t have to go to dinner.  She’ll understand.  She said she didn’t want to skip yoga on Tuesdays and there was something else she didn’t want to skip on Wednesdays…I’m skipping Marquis AND finals for the dinner tonight.  Why am I letting myself off the hook for things that should be priorities?

Breathe in, out.

I do this often.  I don’t do the things that are important for my life and my goals, so that I can spend time with my friends.  They fit me in when it works with their priorities, but I put my fun time first.


Breathe in, out.

I’ve always done that.  I think about school and college.  Going from one set of friends to another, as they are available, to have fun and waste my whole day, while they only give me a couple of hours after they get their work done.

Breathe in, out.

I will take my workout clothes today and go to Marquis. I will reschedule dinner to next Monday.  Marina will understand.  I will come home, shower, and work on my final.

Breathe, breathe.

I hear the birds, a car driving by.

The chimes go off.

I open my eyes, Nick is fiddling with his phone, turning it off.

I sit there.  I look at him, he looks at me with a smile.

Which becomes a smirk.

I guess I’m smiling.

I’m not annoyed.

Her Meditations: Begin.

Sunday, June 15, 2014
Duration: 10 minutes
Position: Seated lotus style on ottoman, Nick on pillow, floor.

Nick instructs me to sit tall, hold a good posture, close my eyes, and concentrate on my breathing.  I grumble a bit, annoyed because I feel he is forcing me to meditate, annoyed because we are going to be late to lunch with his family, and annoyed in general. I also wanted to paint my nails and now won’t have time.

I close my eyes, take a couple of deep breaths, straighten my back, relax into my pose.

Listen to the sounds coming in from the open window: the children playing in the garden next door, the neighbor on the other side talking in Hindi on his speakerphone in the backyard, the birds, the breeze in the trees, a distant leaf blower.

Then I hear Nick breathe in and out, slowly, deliberately, loudly.  I’m annoyed by it, and say something.  He tells me to be quiet and continue.

I listen to his breathing some more, then my mind wanders.

I start breathing slow and deep, and I pull my mind back to my breath.  I think about my posture, notice I’m slumping, and straighten my back.

I breathe.

I listen to the breeze in the trees.

I see water, cool water.  I see a lake, a boat on a lake, I see a cruise ship.

I breathe in, out.

I think about the Disney cruise trip I promised Anjali for her tenth birthday.  How do I pay for it?

Deep breath in, out.

I can save.

Breathe in, out.

So if I saved 10% of my income, that’s let’s say, $1,000 per month.

$500 per paycheck.  $250 every week.  That’s $50 per day.  That’s a lot.

Breathe in, out.

Wait, that’s assuming the work week, five days.  Split it over seven days in the week.  That works out to approximately $35 per day.

Okay.  I can do that.  I can save $35 per day.

Deep breath in, out.

I will talk to my payroll guy and set that up starting with the first paycheck in July.

Breathe in, out.

That wasn’t so hard.

The alarm goes off on Nick’s phone.  Ten minutes are up.

That was fast.  I open my eyes.

I look at him looking at me.  He asks me how it went.  I tell him to wait a minute, I close my eyes to gather my thoughts, to solidify my plan of action.

I open my eyes.

And smile at him.

I’m no longer annoyed.

His Meditations: Silence

Sunday, June 15, 2014
Duration: 10 minutes
Position: Seated on pillow, floor, Priya on ottoman.

I meditate with my girlfriend for the first time.  I normally do this alone, but she needs this right now.  Her annoyance is getting the best of her and she just needs to check back in with herself.   We set up shop, her on the ottoman and me on the floor sitting on a big pillow cross legged with another pillow underneath my ankles to comfort them from the hard tile floor.   The last time I meditated without this small pillow, all I could concentrate on after awhile was the uncomfortable pressure of my ankle bone digging into the floor.   Not exactly what I had in mind when I started meditating, but hey, I was completely present.

This was exactly what I needed as well.  A little introspection is never a bad thing.   As I meditated it took me a second to get situated.   I noticed the sound of washing machine and the birds outside since the window was open.  I wished Priya a good session and prayed that she would find peace.  She needed it.  She was harboring so much anger and pain.  It was tainting our interactions together; and I wasn’t handling it that well either.   I needed the meditation as much as she did.  I wanted to see what tape was running in the background of my mind.

I sat there and continued to wish her peace.  It felt a little ridiculous doing this as my idea of meditation was to get in touch with myself, but ironically this was still about me.  Her happiness was my happiness and if she’s not happy I’m not happy.

I sit and the washing machine starts to get louder.   The washing machine is actually very quiet but during this time I want complete silence.  The washing machine spins the clothes for a little bit and then stops briefly; “ahhhh, silence.”  Silence fells so good to the soul.  The sound of the wind blowing through the trees is so much better than a “whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.”   The washing machine starts to spins again.  “God that washing machine is annoying.   Why can’t I just have silence?  Perhaps my yearning for silence was an indication of the noise that was going on inside that I was refusing to clean up.