Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Living room floor on a pillow cross legged, perpendicular to my lady
A few things happened during my meditation today. One being that I saw where my self-deception or getting in my own way if you will, was happening on a regular basis. Instead of taking action on something I would think about it and then give myself the impression I did something about what was on my mind when in actuality I didn’t. It’s very sly on my part to engage in this kind of self-sabotage.
Give my baby the wisdom to understand and get through this anger she feels towards M at work. Give her the strength to work through it and if there is a lesson, let the lesson be learned; then let the situation be put behind her forever;” I prayed. I sat on that thought for what seemed like awhile, but I never know just how much time a while is during meditation. I get caught up in the moment and I’m just there experiencing the meditation.
I say to myself, “A sandwich from Sellands sounds good. Maybe I’ll get one for lunch today. Yeah, that sounds good. That thought was something that started a couple of days ago and still just hangs out in the background. It then expanded into: “Or better yet, Priya and I can go have a dinner for two. We never did that when I was working there.”
As a quick roundup and not to minimize what had happened during this session by phrasing my summary the way I did, I touched on a lesson, the present, and the future all in one sitting. The lesson being one that is applicable right away in that instead of constantly thinking about doing something just do it. This really isn’t so much a lesson as much as its a reminder that self-sabotage can come in many different forms. It’ll find ways to keep you from being your best. I partly attribute this to lack of focus. My focus needs to be even better than it is. The focus will make it harder for the self-sabotage to creep in because I’ll be more organized. Less brain clutter means less places for self-sabotage to snoop around and hide amongst it all.
The present being my baby having a hard time at work. She’s frustrated and I want to see her get through this quickly. Anger unfortunately has its own time of deciding when to leave depending on just how deep that level of anger is, but hopefully this prayer will help her and she can move on. And lastly the future, the future in a few hours, but nonetheless the future. A Sellands sandwich sounds good. Particularly the Tuna sandwich toasted. Mmmmmmm.
Tuesday July 29, 2014
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: Backyard patio chair
A lot of thoughts were circling in my head this morning. It felt good to stretch out my hips. This anterior pelvic issue is going to be solved so I can have flat lower abs. As I breathe in I think about Facebook. “Priya was real calm and content this morning before work,” I said to myself. It was real nice to see. She had a peace about her that was impossible to ignore.
I had other thoughts this morning but I can’t recall what they are anymore. If there is one thing I’ve noticed about meditating it’s that I look forward to doing it. Meditating helps with focus, inner awareness, making sense of swirling thoughts in my head (clearing the debris), trimming the fat of thoughts and getting to the heart of them, then in turn making decisions easier. I really like that about this practice.
Thursday July 17, 2014
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Backyard on the patio chair
It’s 8:58 a.m., I’m getting started a little later this morning than I normally do. Inside the house on the floor sitting on a pillow against the wall doesn’t feel like a good spot to do meditation, I opt to go outside in the backyard and sit on an outside chair. “The breeze feels nice this morning,” I say.
I start breathing deeply and into my meditation to go. Unlike yesterday, there’s a lot going on this morning. Everyday truly is different. “I did this exercise yesterday with Marquis where I put my leg on the medicine ball and pushed it back and forth with my leg,” she says. I chuckle to myself and she hears a tinge of negativity in my voice. She asks, “Why did you just snicker when I told you that?” I say, “I wasn’t snickering at you, I was happy for you.” She says, “Oh,” smiles, and then goes back to her nails. At that moment I didn’t realize it, but my ego got involved with that comment. Instead of being happy for her I was on my high horse as a been-there-done-that, I can do that easily without the ball kind of attitude. I was happy for her progress and I love seeing her excited about it to the point where she can see and feel it. The ego was subtle, but wove its way into our interaction. It made the interaction multi-layered. I’m glad I had the time to meditate, which brought to light what had initially escaped me.
Still breathing my thought fades from the comments in the bathroom to my old job at Sellands. “This is surprising,” I say, “It feels like forever ago that I quit this job.” In actuality it wasn’t, its only been a month in a half. I dig deeper and start to think about my old boss. He was such a dick at times. Surprisingly I don’t think about him or the place in a negative fashion. I approach the subject with an understanding eye. I see my bitterness while I work. I see myself walking on the work side by the counter of pastries near the register. The bitterness and disdain I had for the place is gone. As I look on the subject I feel like I’m in the present moment watching a film clip of who I was in the past. A past that wasn’t too long ago either.
Right now I have time to reflect as my work schedule hasn’t filled up with clients as of yet. The saying goes that “time heals.” Well, I would say in this case it has. The thoughts of Sellands were surprising, I didn’t expect them.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Duration: ten minutes
Location: On floor, no pillow. Priya on ottoman.
“I’m going to sit here and watch my lady for a second,” I say to myself. Her eyes are closed and she’s getting into it, but she looks frustrated and tired today. I close my eyes and the silhouette image of her body is burned into my mind at first. I stare at it until it leaves and then nothing. There is just the sound of my breath….. and the refrigerator. My mind stays dark for a little bit with nothing entering or leaving it. There’s no rush though on making sure I have some sort of revelation or great insight. Things come and go out of my mind as they please. Images start to enter and I remember our conversation this morning about goals. How do I plan to achieve them was one of the questions asked. My mind replays that scene quickly and then moves on. Moves on to nothing in particular just my breathing again. The cell phone makes a ding shortly thereafter. I’m annoyed because that ding broke my groove for just a minute. I was in the zone and then I hear this ding. My annoyance is short and I move on to just blankness in the mind. I hear the breath and just focus on it. “This feels like I’m getting ready to go to sleep again,” I say. “My hips are sore again.” My workouts have been tough and lately anytime I’ve sat in a cross legged position my IT band starts screaming at me right at the joint of my femur and hips. I’m tired of this soreness and I need to give my body a break.
The ding also also makes me aware of once again just how much a cell phone has infiltrated the many aspects of our lives. That a phone is so important to some that it needs to be on at all times and involved in every single thing they do. I love that the phone gives me and others the ability to communicate anywhere, anytime in seconds, but I also think it can create more stress too if not managed well.
Moments were the theme today. Moments of things going on, moments of darkness, moments of blankness, and moments of reflection on what has been talked about recently. Nothing profound happened, but everything is as it should be right now. I am exactly where I need to be right now.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Duration: ten minutes
Location: Home, on floor on pillow, against the wall. Alone.
Today was quick. I liked this meditation. I thought about my friend Ian, Perry’s Autobody Shop appointment I told my baby I would set up when I talked to her yesterday. I thought, “I want to get on this right away so it can be over and done with.” It was just very matter of fact. Things on my mind that needed to get done right away.
I did have a realization during my meditation and that was when I take the time to be quiet with my mind, I start to remember all of the little things that happened either yesterday, this morning, a week ago, or even months ago. My memory gets clouded with a lot of things that I put in it through my readings, watching TV, listening to co-workers, my girlfriend, signs on the side of the road, and exposure to various things throughout the day. It’s not that I forget things, it’s that my mind gets clouded. And it’s by meditating I help clear my mind of the debris floating around in it to get to the essence of what needs to be done that day. The essence of the direction I need to go with regard to the core of my being. It’s hard to do that when debris is clouding the mind.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: Home, on pillow on the floor, against the wall. By myself.
I sink in slowly. My hips are sore from sitting in the cross legged position. I need to stretch out today, I say in my head. I am tight and I wonder why. (After the meditation I realize its because of my run from yesterday). I say to myself, GOD come closer to me. I want you closer. I repeat this in my head several times as I do my best to focus on just the breathing. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. I definitely want that deep nourishment from this session today and am looking for it. That satisfying fulfillment on a spiritual level. The level that only I and my creator can give to me through my efforts of getting in touch and his/her efforts through receiving my call and then returning the favor. The favor being the guidance needed to live my life the best way possible and to live according to what I was meant to do with the gifts I’ve been given. “I want to read Mind of God,” I say. These aren’t my thoughts though, so I’ll read it afterwards so I won’t confuse them with my own. I want to get in touch with mine first before I become clouded with the thoughts and opinions of another.
My baby and I are coming together as one. We have broken each other down to the core and I feel at this point we are starting to grow together from the same spot. Our experiences together are just ours.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Gym hardwood floor, against mirror in the group classroom
Today’s session was present. At one point I felt a wave ooze over the top of my brain as I sank deeper into the meditation. As this happened, it felt as though a hand was sifting through the middle of my hair, parting it for me. I heard the noises of the people doing their exercises next to me. The sound of a machine weight slamming down as someone releases the cable quickly exhausted from fatigue; at least that’s what I suspect. “Man, that weight slamming down was loud, it startled me,” I thought to myself. The people doing exercises in the same room as me feel like they’re right up on me. They aren’t, but I can’t help noticing my ear sensitivity picking up every little sound as I do my meditation longer.
One thing I notice about my meditations is how present I become. As I work through my thoughts that could be a mix of what happened yesterday or what I currently listened to on the radio that morning before I started meditating, they start to dissipate. I don’t know where they go, it’s as if they dissipate into thin air. It’s as if whatever worries I had going on the day before or that morning are worked through and I’m now completely present to deal with what’s in front of me from that session on. It’s interesting.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: On pillow, on floor.
Today’s session was sad. Not at first, but towards the end. Feelings of sadness for the way others have tried to help me and I haven’t let them. My dad for not letting him help me out for my personal training business. And for not taking the time to ask more clarifying questions as to what he gets out of helping me. Why does he want to so badly? For not giving Priya the tools necessary to help me out more when she wanted to. For not acknowledging every time she helped. I hurt my baby and I hate it when I do this. This seems to be a reccurring theme and how many times can hurt be done before it can no longer be undone?
A few days ago a thought crossed my mind about these journal writings. They served their purpose for quite sometime, but all of a sudden they seem martyr like. That if I write them and don’t share them then what’s the point. These personal writings are my innermost thoughts and these thoughts I want to share. I want to share them with my baby. I want her to know that I’m scared at just how much she really means to me. That today when I looked around, things didn’t seem right. It felt like forever today when I didn’t speak to her and it was only three o’clock. I still had the whole day ahead of me. I want her to be near me.
Tuesday, July 2, 2014
Duration: 15 minutes
Today’s meditation didn’t feel like it went that deep. It was fast though. Initially in the beginning it felt slow and I opened my eyes due to boredom. But then I closed them again and started to focus on my breath and before I knew it the Chimes alarm was going off. I asked myself what tape was playing in the background that I wasn’t aware of. I always like to be aware of this because it helps me in my decision making. By bringing this information to the forefront of my mind I can actively make decisions on it. One thing that came to mind was my girlfriend’s priority list. This list is important for her to create and she keeps avoiding it like the plague. It bothers me. I realized that today because of my meditation. I also asked to get closer to GOD but that thought quickly faded after I initiated it.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: shopping plaza parking lot curb, under tree
Today’s meditation was tough. I couldn’t focus because I was distracted. Distracted by the fitness orientation I needed to set up with my aunt on either Monday or Tuesday. I wanted to get closer to GOD too. I said a prayer for him to come closer and for Priya and I to find peace not only within ourselves, but with each other. Not in a way that says we live in turmoil on a regular basis, but in a way to work ourselves through the emotional strife of the moment into a place of serenity. I needed to get in touch with him so I could better be in tune with myself as well.
In a way I felt like today’s session wasn’t about getting in tune with myself though because I was already very aware of what I needed to do to move forward and how to go about it. My focus was there and I needed to start re-reading my NASM book to gain a deeper understanding on the body. I’m forgetting details and I can see it during my fitness orientations. My clients don’t notice, but I do and that little detail can be the difference between a sale and no sale.
I think today’s session was more about pushing through when I find ways to not do something by doing things less important than what’s on the top of my priority list. The fifteen minutes was long and I even opened my eyes frustrated 7 minutes into it. Frustrated that I wasn’t delving deep enough in such a quick fashion like I had been doing over the last week. Today was different. It was hard for the first time. My patience had warn thin. I had things to do and I didn’t want to take the time for it. I think holding to this even when I didn’t want to was an action that helped me improve on my follow through. This in and of itself is a victory.