Thursday July 17, 2014
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Backyard on the patio chair
It’s 8:58 a.m., I’m getting started a little later this morning than I normally do. Inside the house on the floor sitting on a pillow against the wall doesn’t feel like a good spot to do meditation, I opt to go outside in the backyard and sit on an outside chair. “The breeze feels nice this morning,” I say.
I start breathing deeply and into my meditation to go. Unlike yesterday, there’s a lot going on this morning. Everyday truly is different. “I did this exercise yesterday with Marquis where I put my leg on the medicine ball and pushed it back and forth with my leg,” she says. I chuckle to myself and she hears a tinge of negativity in my voice. She asks, “Why did you just snicker when I told you that?” I say, “I wasn’t snickering at you, I was happy for you.” She says, “Oh,” smiles, and then goes back to her nails. At that moment I didn’t realize it, but my ego got involved with that comment. Instead of being happy for her I was on my high horse as a been-there-done-that, I can do that easily without the ball kind of attitude. I was happy for her progress and I love seeing her excited about it to the point where she can see and feel it. The ego was subtle, but wove its way into our interaction. It made the interaction multi-layered. I’m glad I had the time to meditate, which brought to light what had initially escaped me.
Still breathing my thought fades from the comments in the bathroom to my old job at Sellands. “This is surprising,” I say, “It feels like forever ago that I quit this job.” In actuality it wasn’t, its only been a month in a half. I dig deeper and start to think about my old boss. He was such a dick at times. Surprisingly I don’t think about him or the place in a negative fashion. I approach the subject with an understanding eye. I see my bitterness while I work. I see myself walking on the work side by the counter of pastries near the register. The bitterness and disdain I had for the place is gone. As I look on the subject I feel like I’m in the present moment watching a film clip of who I was in the past. A past that wasn’t too long ago either.
Right now I have time to reflect as my work schedule hasn’t filled up with clients as of yet. The saying goes that “time heals.” Well, I would say in this case it has. The thoughts of Sellands were surprising, I didn’t expect them.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: On ottoman, feet on floor, hands clasped in front. Nick on floor, no pillow.
My brain is going a mile a minute. I can’t gather my thoughts to focus at all. I am overwhelmed. I try to breathe, to focus on breathing, and then I am captured by the thoughts. It is like wrestling with a wild animal, trying to take back control.
I hear the neighbor’s air conditioner humming in the background. I try to focus on that, but thoughts of money, and tasks, and conversations are fighting for control in my head.
Anjali’s party is coming up. I have to get her mirror and dresser knobs, and pay for half the party, order the cake.
I have to pay $1000 for classes within the month.
$400 to Terrie for the website.
$700 to Ryann for childcare.
$350 to Perry for repair and paint on the car.
New clothes for Nik, since he’s outgrown everything he has.
The trip to the coast.
Clearing out the garage.
Clearing out the kids’ supply cabinets in the kitchen.
The response email to the school regarding my concerns with Nik’s IEP.
Nick’s desire to get closer and create shared goals.
His stated goal of buying a house together in a couple years.
I am overwhelmed. I am scared. I am overwhelmed.
I can’t breathe.
A ding from my phone. My kids are texting me.
I move slightly.
The chimes go off.
I open my eyes to see Nick looking at me.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Duration: ten minutes
Location: On floor, no pillow. Priya on ottoman.
“I’m going to sit here and watch my lady for a second,” I say to myself. Her eyes are closed and she’s getting into it, but she looks frustrated and tired today. I close my eyes and the silhouette image of her body is burned into my mind at first. I stare at it until it leaves and then nothing. There is just the sound of my breath….. and the refrigerator. My mind stays dark for a little bit with nothing entering or leaving it. There’s no rush though on making sure I have some sort of revelation or great insight. Things come and go out of my mind as they please. Images start to enter and I remember our conversation this morning about goals. How do I plan to achieve them was one of the questions asked. My mind replays that scene quickly and then moves on. Moves on to nothing in particular just my breathing again. The cell phone makes a ding shortly thereafter. I’m annoyed because that ding broke my groove for just a minute. I was in the zone and then I hear this ding. My annoyance is short and I move on to just blankness in the mind. I hear the breath and just focus on it. “This feels like I’m getting ready to go to sleep again,” I say. “My hips are sore again.” My workouts have been tough and lately anytime I’ve sat in a cross legged position my IT band starts screaming at me right at the joint of my femur and hips. I’m tired of this soreness and I need to give my body a break.
The ding also also makes me aware of once again just how much a cell phone has infiltrated the many aspects of our lives. That a phone is so important to some that it needs to be on at all times and involved in every single thing they do. I love that the phone gives me and others the ability to communicate anywhere, anytime in seconds, but I also think it can create more stress too if not managed well.
Moments were the theme today. Moments of things going on, moments of darkness, moments of blankness, and moments of reflection on what has been talked about recently. Nothing profound happened, but everything is as it should be right now. I am exactly where I need to be right now.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: Home, on pillow on the floor, against the wall. By myself.
I sink in slowly. My hips are sore from sitting in the cross legged position. I need to stretch out today, I say in my head. I am tight and I wonder why. (After the meditation I realize its because of my run from yesterday). I say to myself, GOD come closer to me. I want you closer. I repeat this in my head several times as I do my best to focus on just the breathing. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. I definitely want that deep nourishment from this session today and am looking for it. That satisfying fulfillment on a spiritual level. The level that only I and my creator can give to me through my efforts of getting in touch and his/her efforts through receiving my call and then returning the favor. The favor being the guidance needed to live my life the best way possible and to live according to what I was meant to do with the gifts I’ve been given. “I want to read Mind of God,” I say. These aren’t my thoughts though, so I’ll read it afterwards so I won’t confuse them with my own. I want to get in touch with mine first before I become clouded with the thoughts and opinions of another.
My baby and I are coming together as one. We have broken each other down to the core and I feel at this point we are starting to grow together from the same spot. Our experiences together are just ours.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Gym hardwood floor, against mirror in the group classroom
Today’s session was present. At one point I felt a wave ooze over the top of my brain as I sank deeper into the meditation. As this happened, it felt as though a hand was sifting through the middle of my hair, parting it for me. I heard the noises of the people doing their exercises next to me. The sound of a machine weight slamming down as someone releases the cable quickly exhausted from fatigue; at least that’s what I suspect. “Man, that weight slamming down was loud, it startled me,” I thought to myself. The people doing exercises in the same room as me feel like they’re right up on me. They aren’t, but I can’t help noticing my ear sensitivity picking up every little sound as I do my meditation longer.
One thing I notice about my meditations is how present I become. As I work through my thoughts that could be a mix of what happened yesterday or what I currently listened to on the radio that morning before I started meditating, they start to dissipate. I don’t know where they go, it’s as if they dissipate into thin air. It’s as if whatever worries I had going on the day before or that morning are worked through and I’m now completely present to deal with what’s in front of me from that session on. It’s interesting.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Duration: 10 minutes
Position: I’m on the floor, on a pillow. Priya is on the couch.
I sunk into the meditation quickly. Today happened quicker than any other time this week. I didn’t want to end today’s session. I got lost in my thoughts. The movie that was playing in my head was very interesting. As I listened to my baby talk today about how Ian and Heather have been entering her thoughts lately, it made me think about how they’re on my thoughts as well. Was she that in tune with me that my thoughts crossed her mental plane?
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Duration: 10 minutes
Position: Seated on pillow, floor, Priya on ottoman.
I meditate with my girlfriend for the first time. I normally do this alone, but she needs this right now. Her annoyance is getting the best of her and she just needs to check back in with herself. We set up shop, her on the ottoman and me on the floor sitting on a big pillow cross legged with another pillow underneath my ankles to comfort them from the hard tile floor. The last time I meditated without this small pillow, all I could concentrate on after awhile was the uncomfortable pressure of my ankle bone digging into the floor. Not exactly what I had in mind when I started meditating, but hey, I was completely present.
This was exactly what I needed as well. A little introspection is never a bad thing. As I meditated it took me a second to get situated. I noticed the sound of washing machine and the birds outside since the window was open. I wished Priya a good session and prayed that she would find peace. She needed it. She was harboring so much anger and pain. It was tainting our interactions together; and I wasn’t handling it that well either. I needed the meditation as much as she did. I wanted to see what tape was running in the background of my mind.
I sat there and continued to wish her peace. It felt a little ridiculous doing this as my idea of meditation was to get in touch with myself, but ironically this was still about me. Her happiness was my happiness and if she’s not happy I’m not happy.
I sit and the washing machine starts to get louder. The washing machine is actually very quiet but during this time I want complete silence. The washing machine spins the clothes for a little bit and then stops briefly; “ahhhh, silence.” Silence fells so good to the soul. The sound of the wind blowing through the trees is so much better than a “whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.” The washing machine starts to spins again. “God that washing machine is annoying. Why can’t I just have silence? Perhaps my yearning for silence was an indication of the noise that was going on inside that I was refusing to clean up.