Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Living room floor on a pillow cross legged, perpendicular to my lady
A few things happened during my meditation today. One being that I saw where my self-deception or getting in my own way if you will, was happening on a regular basis. Instead of taking action on something I would think about it and then give myself the impression I did something about what was on my mind when in actuality I didn’t. It’s very sly on my part to engage in this kind of self-sabotage.
Give my baby the wisdom to understand and get through this anger she feels towards M at work. Give her the strength to work through it and if there is a lesson, let the lesson be learned; then let the situation be put behind her forever;” I prayed. I sat on that thought for what seemed like awhile, but I never know just how much time a while is during meditation. I get caught up in the moment and I’m just there experiencing the meditation.
I say to myself, “A sandwich from Sellands sounds good. Maybe I’ll get one for lunch today. Yeah, that sounds good. That thought was something that started a couple of days ago and still just hangs out in the background. It then expanded into: “Or better yet, Priya and I can go have a dinner for two. We never did that when I was working there.”
As a quick roundup and not to minimize what had happened during this session by phrasing my summary the way I did, I touched on a lesson, the present, and the future all in one sitting. The lesson being one that is applicable right away in that instead of constantly thinking about doing something just do it. This really isn’t so much a lesson as much as its a reminder that self-sabotage can come in many different forms. It’ll find ways to keep you from being your best. I partly attribute this to lack of focus. My focus needs to be even better than it is. The focus will make it harder for the self-sabotage to creep in because I’ll be more organized. Less brain clutter means less places for self-sabotage to snoop around and hide amongst it all.
The present being my baby having a hard time at work. She’s frustrated and I want to see her get through this quickly. Anger unfortunately has its own time of deciding when to leave depending on just how deep that level of anger is, but hopefully this prayer will help her and she can move on. And lastly the future, the future in a few hours, but nonetheless the future. A Sellands sandwich sounds good. Particularly the Tuna sandwich toasted. Mmmmmmm.
Thursday July 17, 2014
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Backyard on the patio chair
It’s 8:58 a.m., I’m getting started a little later this morning than I normally do. Inside the house on the floor sitting on a pillow against the wall doesn’t feel like a good spot to do meditation, I opt to go outside in the backyard and sit on an outside chair. “The breeze feels nice this morning,” I say.
I start breathing deeply and into my meditation to go. Unlike yesterday, there’s a lot going on this morning. Everyday truly is different. “I did this exercise yesterday with Marquis where I put my leg on the medicine ball and pushed it back and forth with my leg,” she says. I chuckle to myself and she hears a tinge of negativity in my voice. She asks, “Why did you just snicker when I told you that?” I say, “I wasn’t snickering at you, I was happy for you.” She says, “Oh,” smiles, and then goes back to her nails. At that moment I didn’t realize it, but my ego got involved with that comment. Instead of being happy for her I was on my high horse as a been-there-done-that, I can do that easily without the ball kind of attitude. I was happy for her progress and I love seeing her excited about it to the point where she can see and feel it. The ego was subtle, but wove its way into our interaction. It made the interaction multi-layered. I’m glad I had the time to meditate, which brought to light what had initially escaped me.
Still breathing my thought fades from the comments in the bathroom to my old job at Sellands. “This is surprising,” I say, “It feels like forever ago that I quit this job.” In actuality it wasn’t, its only been a month in a half. I dig deeper and start to think about my old boss. He was such a dick at times. Surprisingly I don’t think about him or the place in a negative fashion. I approach the subject with an understanding eye. I see my bitterness while I work. I see myself walking on the work side by the counter of pastries near the register. The bitterness and disdain I had for the place is gone. As I look on the subject I feel like I’m in the present moment watching a film clip of who I was in the past. A past that wasn’t too long ago either.
Right now I have time to reflect as my work schedule hasn’t filled up with clients as of yet. The saying goes that “time heals.” Well, I would say in this case it has. The thoughts of Sellands were surprising, I didn’t expect them.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
8:52 a.m. to 9:02 a.m., and 9:14 a.m. to 9:25 a.m.
Duration: 21 minutes
Is it possible that the mind transfers thoughts back and forth unconsciously? Can I be so sensitive to someone else’s needs or insecurities that I pick them up without even realizing it? This is the thought that came to mind this morning as I was meditating and realizing that a lot that was operating inside of me was Priya’s jealousy episode this morning. I had thoughts of my own this morning, but what she said was definitely on my mind. I wanted to push through those thoughts and get in touch with my own, but it wasn’t happening that easily. The thoughts of what we had spoken about this morning floated along in my head like a cloud in the sky. Which bring me to another question, “Are thoughts actual physical manifestations?” Is there a physicalness to them or is my imagination simply just something that I can see but not touch? It’s tough to say. The mind can be such a tricky thing. I wanted to do my meditation longer than the ten minutes I did it this morning. I felt like I was really just getting into it.
I meditated for another 10 minutes and loved it. I was getting more in tune with myself and sifting through the thoughts of what I need to do today. I was thinking about Brianne waving to me when I was working out with a prospective new client. I was thinking about my prospective client saying no she couldn’t afford training right now due to financial constraints. I remember her sitting there looking at the screen debating how to pay for the training and then me just sitting there in silence waiting for her to make a decision. I remember Tony and I sitting down talking at the desk and seeing him take a drink of water from his huge crystal geyser plastic container. I remember thinking, “That thing is massive.” It was a good session today and I’m looking forward to the next one. It feels like every time I’ve done some meditation since Sunday the 15th, I’ve taken something from it. Becoming more aware is what I took from today. I’m glad to start this ritual.