His Meditations: Traveling Thoughts

Wednesday, August 6, 2014
8:45 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Living room floor on a pillow cross legged, perpendicular to my lady

A few things happened during my meditation today.  One being that I saw where my self-deception or getting in my own way if you will, was happening on a regular basis.  Instead of taking action on something I would think about it and then give myself the impression I did something about what was on my mind when in actuality I didn’t.  It’s very sly on my part to engage in this kind of self-sabotage.

Give my baby the wisdom to understand and get through this anger she feels towards M at work.   Give her the strength to work through it and if there is a lesson, let the lesson be learned; then let the situation be put behind her forever;”   I prayed.   I sat on that thought for what seemed like awhile, but I never know just how much time a while is during meditation.  I get caught up in the moment and I’m just there experiencing the meditation.

I say to myself, “A sandwich from Sellands sounds good.  Maybe I’ll get one for lunch today.  Yeah, that sounds good. That thought was something that started a couple of days ago and still just hangs out in the background.   It then expanded into: “Or better yet, Priya and I can go have a dinner for two.  We never did that when I was working there.”

As a quick roundup and not to minimize what had happened during this session by phrasing my summary the way I did, I touched on a lesson, the present, and the future all in one sitting.   The lesson being one that is applicable right away in that instead of constantly thinking about doing something just do it.  This really isn’t so much a lesson as much as its a reminder that self-sabotage can come in many different forms.  It’ll find ways to keep you from being your best.   I partly attribute this to lack of focus.   My focus needs to be even better than it is.  The focus will make it harder for the self-sabotage to creep in because I’ll be more organized.  Less brain clutter means less places for self-sabotage to snoop around and hide amongst it all.

The present being my baby having a hard time at work.  She’s frustrated and I want to see her get through this quickly.  Anger unfortunately has its own time of deciding when to leave depending on just how deep that level of anger is, but hopefully this prayer will help her and she can move on.   And lastly the future, the future in a few hours, but nonetheless the future.   A Sellands sandwich sounds good.  Particularly the Tuna sandwich toasted. Mmmmmmm.

His Meditations: Clearing the Debris.

Tuesday July 29, 2014
8:40 a.m.
Duration: 10 minutes
Location:  Backyard patio chair

A lot of thoughts were circling in my head this morning.  It felt good to stretch out my hips.  This anterior pelvic issue is going to be solved so I can have flat lower abs.   As I breathe in I think about Facebook. “Priya was real calm and content this morning before work,” I said to myself.  It was real nice to see.  She had a peace about her that was impossible to ignore.

I had other thoughts this morning but I can’t recall what they are anymore.   If there is one thing I’ve noticed about meditating it’s that I look forward to doing it.   Meditating helps with focus, inner awareness, making sense of swirling thoughts in my head (clearing the debris), trimming the fat of thoughts and getting to the heart of them, then in turn making  decisions easier.   I really like that about this practice.

Her Meditations: Orange.

Sunday, June 20, 2014
11:21 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Patio, on the chairs.

Nick sets the timer and I close my eyes.  I see the red haze behind my eyelids, and a few floaters.  I’m snuggling into my coat…the breeze is cool and giving me goosebumps.  I’m facing southeast.  I raise my face and see the haze turn into orange and then a golden yellow as my head lifts higher towards the sun.  I adjust my head’s tilt until I achieve the perfect orange glow.

And now, against that perfect orange, I see Ganesh.  The floaters have arranged themselves into Ganesh.  I see him, just his eyes and the line of his trunk, as though he is sitting inches from my face.  He brings me peace as he sits there.  I watch him, expecting the floaters to rearrange themselves as they frequently do, but they stay, and he stays.  I say, “Ganesha.”  And I think of Thatha.  And I think of him praying to Ganesh every morning, and his is the name he invokes when he’s in pain, or getting up, or praying… I search for the phrasing he would use…and I can’t think of it.  Ganesha, Venkateshwara, Ganappati, what was the phrase he used?  I need to know it.  I will ask Mummy when I am done meditating.

Ganesha.  You have come to me when I look for peace.  You were my Thatha’s favorite god.  You are mine as well.  I haven’t thought of you very much lately.  And I’m not sure why, since you are the bringer of peace, the remover of obstacles.

You change in the orange haze.  Your right eye gets closer, your trunk shifts as though you are moving it, you blink.  I hear the wind chimes in breeze, I hear the mourning doves, I hear the breeze in the trees.  You stay, you move.

I see you.

His Meditations: Clearing the Debris

Tuesday, July 15, 2014
9:32 a.m.
Duration: ten minutes
Location: Home, on floor on pillow, against the wall.  Alone.

Today was quick.  I liked this meditation.  I thought about my friend Ian, Perry’s Autobody Shop appointment I told my baby I would set up when I talked to her yesterday.  I thought, “I want to get on this right away so it can be over and done with.”  It was just very matter of fact.  Things  on my mind that needed to get done right away.

I did have a realization during my meditation and that was when I take the time to be quiet with my mind, I start to remember all of the little things that happened either yesterday, this morning, a week ago, or even months ago.  My memory gets clouded with a lot of things that I put in it through my readings, watching TV, listening to co-workers, my girlfriend, signs on the side of the road, and exposure to various things throughout the day.   It’s not that I forget things, it’s that my mind gets clouded.  And it’s by meditating I help clear my mind of the debris floating around in it to get to the essence of what needs to be done that day.   The essence of the direction I need to go with regard to the core of my being.   It’s hard to do that when debris is clouding the mind.

His Meditations: Sadness.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014
10:38 p.m.
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: On pillow, on floor.

Today’s session was sad.  Not at first, but towards the end.  Feelings of sadness for the way others have tried to help me and I haven’t let them.  My dad for not letting him help me out for my personal training business. And for not taking the time to ask more clarifying questions as to what he gets out of helping me.  Why does he want to so badly?  For not giving Priya the tools necessary to help me out more when she wanted to.  For not acknowledging every time she helped.   I hurt my baby and I hate it when I do this.  This seems to be a reccurring theme and how many times can hurt be done before it can no longer be undone?

A few days ago a thought crossed my mind about these journal writings.   They served their purpose for quite sometime, but all of a sudden they seem martyr like.  That if I write them and don’t share them then what’s the point.   These personal writings are my innermost thoughts and these thoughts I want to share.  I want to share them with my baby.  I want her to know that I’m scared at just how much she really means to me.   That today when I looked around, things didn’t seem right.  It felt like forever today when I didn’t speak to her and it was only three o’clock.   I still had the whole day ahead of me.   I want her to be near me.

 

His Meditations: Lists

Tuesday, July 2, 2014
10:03 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes

Today’s meditation didn’t feel like it went that deep.  It was fast though.  Initially in the beginning it felt slow and I opened my eyes due to boredom.  But then I closed them again and started to focus on my breath and before I knew it the Chimes alarm was going off.  I asked myself what tape was playing in the background that I wasn’t aware of.  I always like to be aware of this because it helps me in my decision making.  By bringing this information to the forefront of my mind I can actively make decisions on it.  One thing that came to mind was my girlfriend’s priority list.  This list is important for her to create and she keeps avoiding it like the plague.   It bothers me.   I realized that today because of my meditation.  I also asked to get closer to GOD but that thought quickly faded after I initiated it.

His Meditations: Pushing Through.

Friday, June 27, 2014
1:45 p.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: shopping plaza parking lot curb, under tree

Today’s meditation was tough.  I couldn’t focus because I was distracted.   Distracted by the fitness orientation I needed to set up with my aunt on either Monday or Tuesday.  I wanted to get closer to GOD too.  I said a prayer for him to come closer and for Priya and I to find peace not only within ourselves, but with each other.  Not in a way that says we live in turmoil on a regular basis, but in a way to work ourselves through the emotional strife of the moment into a place of serenity. I needed to get in touch with him so I could better be in tune with myself as well.

In a way I felt like today’s session wasn’t about getting in tune with myself though because I was already very aware of what I needed to do to move forward and how to go about it.   My focus was there and I needed to start re-reading my NASM book to gain a deeper understanding on the body.  I’m forgetting details and I can see it during my fitness orientations.  My clients don’t notice, but I do and that little detail can be the difference between a sale and no sale.

I think today’s session was more about pushing through when I find ways to not do something by doing things less important than what’s on the top of my priority list.   The fifteen minutes was long and I even opened my eyes frustrated 7 minutes into it.  Frustrated that I wasn’t delving deep enough in such a quick fashion like I had been doing over the last week.   Today was different.  It was hard for the first time.  My patience had warn thin.   I had things to do and I didn’t want to take the time for it.   I think holding to this even when I didn’t want to was an action that helped me improve on my follow through.  This in and of itself is a victory.

His Meditations: Guard your Mind.

Thursday, June 26, 2014
9:35 a.m.
Duration: 20 minutes

I love how these meditations get me focused.  I have so much energy on a regular basis and I do need to get better at focusing it.   Not letting the energy dissipate into every which direction, but to harness it in such a way where I can artfully direct it towards achieving my goals.

Today I really wanted to get in touch with my being.  One of the thoughts I had in my mind was that I wanted to “Find God.”  I know that he’s real and I have felt his presence before, but as I was going through my mind images would pop up and I would want to go behind the curtain and see what was behind that thought.   As I delved deeper I saw the images of the things I had exposed myself too this morning; Joe Montana interview where he was talking to NFL access about when he retired and other things.  I remembered Tony Robbin’s saying from a video that his mentor Jim Rohn told him, “Guard your mind.”   And as this thought crossed my head I saw everything that I saw on the computer this morning and how the images were just floating around in my mind.  I saw how the article from getrichslowly.org that I read this morning on the scarcity mindset was influencing my thought on thinking long term.   It addresses complexities no doubt, but it was such a simply written article that I enjoyed reading.   It got me thinking how easily my mind absorbs things.   It’s amazing how quickly I can do it.   I don’t expect images to capture my mind so quickly and constantly float around the way they do.

I’ve been listening a lot to Tony Robbins lately because its very applicable to what I do.   In helping others clean up there habits I undoubtedly have started to look at mine.  I’ve been seeing areas that I lack in follow through.  I’ve also been able to see where my strengths are.

His Meditations: Physicality of the Mind

Wednesday, June 25, 2014
8:52 a.m. to 9:02 a.m., and 9:14 a.m. to 9:25 a.m.
Duration: 21 minutes

Is it possible that the mind transfers thoughts back and forth unconsciously?  Can I be so sensitive to someone else’s needs or insecurities that I pick them up without even realizing it?   This is the thought that came to mind this morning as I was meditating and realizing that a lot that was operating inside of me was Priya’s jealousy episode this morning.  I had thoughts of my own this morning, but what she said was definitely on my mind.    I wanted to push through those thoughts and get in touch with my own, but it wasn’t happening that easily.   The thoughts of what we had spoken about this morning floated along in my head like a cloud in the sky.  Which bring me to another question, “Are thoughts actual physical manifestations?”   Is there a physicalness to them or is my imagination simply just something that I can see but not touch?  It’s tough to say.   The mind can be such a tricky thing.   I wanted to do my meditation longer than the ten minutes I did it this morning.  I felt like I was really just getting into it.

I meditated for another 10 minutes and loved it.  I was getting more in tune with myself and sifting through the thoughts of what I need to do today.   I was thinking about Brianne waving to me when I was working out with a prospective new client.   I was thinking about my prospective client saying no she couldn’t afford training right now due to financial constraints.  I remember her sitting there looking at the screen debating how to pay for the training and then me just sitting there in silence waiting for her to make a decision.   I remember Tony and I sitting down talking at the desk and seeing him take a drink of water from his huge crystal geyser plastic container.   I remember thinking, “That thing is massive.”  It was a good session today and I’m looking forward to the next one.   It feels like every time I’ve done some meditation since Sunday the 15th, I’ve taken something from it.   Becoming more aware is what I took from today.  I’m glad to start this ritual.

Her Meditations: Priorities.

Last night, Nick set the alarm for 6:30a.m.  “So we can make time for meditation before you have to leave for work.”

The alarm goes off this morning and Nick wakes me up.  I tell him to leave me alone, that I am not a morning person, that I can’t just pop up and hit the ground running like he can, that I need to get showered, coffee, etc before I can meditate.  I then go back to sleep.

At 7:18 a.m., I get a series of texts: “Time to get up if you’re going to make time for meditation.”

Then: “:)”

Then a smiley face emoticon.

I snort.  He knows me, he knows I will wake up for the beep of a text more than an alarm.

I slowly get up, and he’s coming into the room with coffee.  I thank him, get ready for the day.  Go downstairs to breakfast made by him, eat, praise his omelette, criticize his toast, look at my final exam sitting on the table, barely started, start thinking back to our hard conversation from last night, look at him, feel depressed, get angry, get annoyed, close off, stop talking.  He notices. I go upstairs, finish getting ready.

He comes upstairs as I’m finishing, and I don’t want him to talk to me.  He comes over, looks at me, tells me I look pretty.  Touches my hair.  I smile and thank him.

He then hugs me, and then says, “Did you leave enough time?  To meditate?”

I reluctantly say, “Yes, sure.”

Day 2
Monday, June 16, 2014
8:30a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Position: Seated lotus style on ottoman, Nick on pillow, floor.

I close my eyes right away.  I hear him fiddling with his phone, setting the alarm.  I remember that I asked him to use the chimes to alert us, not the abrasive alert from yesterday.

I breathe in, out.  I sneak a look at him, he’s got his eyes closed, a slight frown on his face, mouth downturned.

I close my eyes, breathe in, out.

I hear the birds outside, the breeze in the trees, the washing machine kicking in, the drone of a neighboring air-conditioner.  The breeze feels cool, coming in through the open window.

Breathe in, out.

The washing machine is annoying.  Focus on breathing.  I think about Nick.  And our discussion from last night.  He’s so smart, so together in some areas, so vulnerable in others.  I wonder if he’ll ever be successful.

I force myself to focus on breathing in and out.

I think about his hug upstairs and how warm it felt. I think about looking at him rinsing the breakfast dishes in the sink, and the feeling of love that came over me while I watched him.  Why am I still with him?  What is it about him that draws me in, keeps me with him?  His cousin is surprised I’m still with him.  Why?

Breathe in, out.

My final exam.  I need the sheet on accounting for pensions.  I can’t find it anywhere.  I’ll have to ask the instructor.

My exam.  I’ll be too tired after dinner with Marina tonight to work on the exam.  There’s too much to do.

Breathe in, out.

I don’t have to go to dinner.  She’ll understand.  She said she didn’t want to skip yoga on Tuesdays and there was something else she didn’t want to skip on Wednesdays…I’m skipping Marquis AND finals for the dinner tonight.  Why am I letting myself off the hook for things that should be priorities?

Breathe in, out.

I do this often.  I don’t do the things that are important for my life and my goals, so that I can spend time with my friends.  They fit me in when it works with their priorities, but I put my fun time first.

Interesting.

Breathe in, out.

I’ve always done that.  I think about school and college.  Going from one set of friends to another, as they are available, to have fun and waste my whole day, while they only give me a couple of hours after they get their work done.

Breathe in, out.

I will take my workout clothes today and go to Marquis. I will reschedule dinner to next Monday.  Marina will understand.  I will come home, shower, and work on my final.

Breathe, breathe.

I hear the birds, a car driving by.

The chimes go off.

I open my eyes, Nick is fiddling with his phone, turning it off.

I sit there.  I look at him, he looks at me with a smile.

Which becomes a smirk.

I guess I’m smiling.

I’m not annoyed.