His Meditations: Traveling Thoughts

Wednesday, August 6, 2014
8:45 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Living room floor on a pillow cross legged, perpendicular to my lady

A few things happened during my meditation today.  One being that I saw where my self-deception or getting in my own way if you will, was happening on a regular basis.  Instead of taking action on something I would think about it and then give myself the impression I did something about what was on my mind when in actuality I didn’t.  It’s very sly on my part to engage in this kind of self-sabotage.

Give my baby the wisdom to understand and get through this anger she feels towards M at work.   Give her the strength to work through it and if there is a lesson, let the lesson be learned; then let the situation be put behind her forever;”   I prayed.   I sat on that thought for what seemed like awhile, but I never know just how much time a while is during meditation.  I get caught up in the moment and I’m just there experiencing the meditation.

I say to myself, “A sandwich from Sellands sounds good.  Maybe I’ll get one for lunch today.  Yeah, that sounds good. That thought was something that started a couple of days ago and still just hangs out in the background.   It then expanded into: “Or better yet, Priya and I can go have a dinner for two.  We never did that when I was working there.”

As a quick roundup and not to minimize what had happened during this session by phrasing my summary the way I did, I touched on a lesson, the present, and the future all in one sitting.   The lesson being one that is applicable right away in that instead of constantly thinking about doing something just do it.  This really isn’t so much a lesson as much as its a reminder that self-sabotage can come in many different forms.  It’ll find ways to keep you from being your best.   I partly attribute this to lack of focus.   My focus needs to be even better than it is.  The focus will make it harder for the self-sabotage to creep in because I’ll be more organized.  Less brain clutter means less places for self-sabotage to snoop around and hide amongst it all.

The present being my baby having a hard time at work.  She’s frustrated and I want to see her get through this quickly.  Anger unfortunately has its own time of deciding when to leave depending on just how deep that level of anger is, but hopefully this prayer will help her and she can move on.   And lastly the future, the future in a few hours, but nonetheless the future.   A Sellands sandwich sounds good.  Particularly the Tuna sandwich toasted. Mmmmmmm.

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His Meditations: Clearing the Debris.

Tuesday July 29, 2014
8:40 a.m.
Duration: 10 minutes
Location:  Backyard patio chair

A lot of thoughts were circling in my head this morning.  It felt good to stretch out my hips.  This anterior pelvic issue is going to be solved so I can have flat lower abs.   As I breathe in I think about Facebook. “Priya was real calm and content this morning before work,” I said to myself.  It was real nice to see.  She had a peace about her that was impossible to ignore.

I had other thoughts this morning but I can’t recall what they are anymore.   If there is one thing I’ve noticed about meditating it’s that I look forward to doing it.   Meditating helps with focus, inner awareness, making sense of swirling thoughts in my head (clearing the debris), trimming the fat of thoughts and getting to the heart of them, then in turn making  decisions easier.   I really like that about this practice.

Her Meditations: Orange.

Sunday, June 20, 2014
11:21 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: Patio, on the chairs.

Nick sets the timer and I close my eyes.  I see the red haze behind my eyelids, and a few floaters.  I’m snuggling into my coat…the breeze is cool and giving me goosebumps.  I’m facing southeast.  I raise my face and see the haze turn into orange and then a golden yellow as my head lifts higher towards the sun.  I adjust my head’s tilt until I achieve the perfect orange glow.

And now, against that perfect orange, I see Ganesh.  The floaters have arranged themselves into Ganesh.  I see him, just his eyes and the line of his trunk, as though he is sitting inches from my face.  He brings me peace as he sits there.  I watch him, expecting the floaters to rearrange themselves as they frequently do, but they stay, and he stays.  I say, “Ganesha.”  And I think of Thatha.  And I think of him praying to Ganesh every morning, and his is the name he invokes when he’s in pain, or getting up, or praying… I search for the phrasing he would use…and I can’t think of it.  Ganesha, Venkateshwara, Ganappati, what was the phrase he used?  I need to know it.  I will ask Mummy when I am done meditating.

Ganesha.  You have come to me when I look for peace.  You were my Thatha’s favorite god.  You are mine as well.  I haven’t thought of you very much lately.  And I’m not sure why, since you are the bringer of peace, the remover of obstacles.

You change in the orange haze.  Your right eye gets closer, your trunk shifts as though you are moving it, you blink.  I hear the wind chimes in breeze, I hear the mourning doves, I hear the breeze in the trees.  You stay, you move.

I see you.

His Meditations: Clearing the Debris

Tuesday, July 15, 2014
9:32 a.m.
Duration: ten minutes
Location: Home, on floor on pillow, against the wall.  Alone.

Today was quick.  I liked this meditation.  I thought about my friend Ian, Perry’s Autobody Shop appointment I told my baby I would set up when I talked to her yesterday.  I thought, “I want to get on this right away so it can be over and done with.”  It was just very matter of fact.  Things  on my mind that needed to get done right away.

I did have a realization during my meditation and that was when I take the time to be quiet with my mind, I start to remember all of the little things that happened either yesterday, this morning, a week ago, or even months ago.  My memory gets clouded with a lot of things that I put in it through my readings, watching TV, listening to co-workers, my girlfriend, signs on the side of the road, and exposure to various things throughout the day.   It’s not that I forget things, it’s that my mind gets clouded.  And it’s by meditating I help clear my mind of the debris floating around in it to get to the essence of what needs to be done that day.   The essence of the direction I need to go with regard to the core of my being.   It’s hard to do that when debris is clouding the mind.

His Meditations: Sadness.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014
10:38 p.m.
Duration: 10 minutes
Location: On pillow, on floor.

Today’s session was sad.  Not at first, but towards the end.  Feelings of sadness for the way others have tried to help me and I haven’t let them.  My dad for not letting him help me out for my personal training business. And for not taking the time to ask more clarifying questions as to what he gets out of helping me.  Why does he want to so badly?  For not giving Priya the tools necessary to help me out more when she wanted to.  For not acknowledging every time she helped.   I hurt my baby and I hate it when I do this.  This seems to be a reccurring theme and how many times can hurt be done before it can no longer be undone?

A few days ago a thought crossed my mind about these journal writings.   They served their purpose for quite sometime, but all of a sudden they seem martyr like.  That if I write them and don’t share them then what’s the point.   These personal writings are my innermost thoughts and these thoughts I want to share.  I want to share them with my baby.  I want her to know that I’m scared at just how much she really means to me.   That today when I looked around, things didn’t seem right.  It felt like forever today when I didn’t speak to her and it was only three o’clock.   I still had the whole day ahead of me.   I want her to be near me.

 

His Meditations: Lists

Tuesday, July 2, 2014
10:03 a.m.
Duration: 15 minutes

Today’s meditation didn’t feel like it went that deep.  It was fast though.  Initially in the beginning it felt slow and I opened my eyes due to boredom.  But then I closed them again and started to focus on my breath and before I knew it the Chimes alarm was going off.  I asked myself what tape was playing in the background that I wasn’t aware of.  I always like to be aware of this because it helps me in my decision making.  By bringing this information to the forefront of my mind I can actively make decisions on it.  One thing that came to mind was my girlfriend’s priority list.  This list is important for her to create and she keeps avoiding it like the plague.   It bothers me.   I realized that today because of my meditation.  I also asked to get closer to GOD but that thought quickly faded after I initiated it.

His Meditations: Pushing Through.

Friday, June 27, 2014
1:45 p.m.
Duration: 15 minutes
Location: shopping plaza parking lot curb, under tree

Today’s meditation was tough.  I couldn’t focus because I was distracted.   Distracted by the fitness orientation I needed to set up with my aunt on either Monday or Tuesday.  I wanted to get closer to GOD too.  I said a prayer for him to come closer and for Priya and I to find peace not only within ourselves, but with each other.  Not in a way that says we live in turmoil on a regular basis, but in a way to work ourselves through the emotional strife of the moment into a place of serenity. I needed to get in touch with him so I could better be in tune with myself as well.

In a way I felt like today’s session wasn’t about getting in tune with myself though because I was already very aware of what I needed to do to move forward and how to go about it.   My focus was there and I needed to start re-reading my NASM book to gain a deeper understanding on the body.  I’m forgetting details and I can see it during my fitness orientations.  My clients don’t notice, but I do and that little detail can be the difference between a sale and no sale.

I think today’s session was more about pushing through when I find ways to not do something by doing things less important than what’s on the top of my priority list.   The fifteen minutes was long and I even opened my eyes frustrated 7 minutes into it.  Frustrated that I wasn’t delving deep enough in such a quick fashion like I had been doing over the last week.   Today was different.  It was hard for the first time.  My patience had warn thin.   I had things to do and I didn’t want to take the time for it.   I think holding to this even when I didn’t want to was an action that helped me improve on my follow through.  This in and of itself is a victory.